here I am again writting in this little corner, my secret little corner where feelings flow with no restrictions... I m bored of restrictions , i m bored of rules and boundaries, Disipline is a must in a human life especially that humans dont know their best interest, they hurt themselves and each others repetitively....but why cannot we just live in peace...today i m a prisonner of my own desk for support, it was a good prison, my only mate was my shadow and i didnt mind it, its been 6 hours now and 2 more and i m done and go back home...i enjoyed the silence and lack of confusions and stress...the lack of rules and Must and must not do...i eat , sleep , dance or sing whenever i want...if Freedom is offered by God, why is it too hard to maintain it? why we lose love in the name of Good and Love?

I give up my freedom of choice to give more value to the one i love

I lose Freedom of talking when talking will lead to troubles

I lose my Freedom to cry coz crying will lead to a sadness for the ones i love

i lose my freedom to jump coz jumping is considered madness in societies

I lose my freedom to be ME in order not to disturb my surroundings.......

Freedom in those simple aspects are lost daily from our life, and we call it Compromises  but is it truly Compromises or an Individual Lost?

 

Another november goes by... i stopped writting dairies...no need,, the days of happinesss cannot be described...only sadness can be interpreted in words,,,

Novembers are coming too fast...just the other day i was november 2007, time is flying away so fast....

just wishing all novembers will be as joyfulll as they can be.....

live, love, smile and let the world be ur room....

After the day reached its end, i m totally exhausted, totally missing my heart,,,that is life...we are tired, i m tired,,we r gonna hve enough strength to build one energy back for another day,,,

 

It is been such a long time i didnt write in here... And tonight is somekind unique since i dont stay much home nowadays, my life is a group of minutes, i have 15 mns to take a bath, 35 mns to arrive home, 5 mns to make a phone call, 10 mns to eat, 15 to take a break...I dont have time where i dont have a single thing to do..I dont mind,, i am enjoying the fullness of my life, the time is running so fast, too fast to end my tasks, too fast to stare at the mirror, too fast for a simple decision...that is ok...

I am trying to distract myself from the main major subject that is running on my head, in fact it is not about the time which is runnng too fast but the mns i am watching passing while my love is far away from me, and for the first time for many days...Now, at this time, the time isnt passing at all, 30 mns to reach his target finnally seem like eternity, time to call him again , to send him another message, to wait for his call,,, time for those days to pass seem like eternal hell...

May God help us all... 

it is a sure thing that we r rewarded one day for being good people in our lifes...

We are nice not becoz we r waiting for something in return but becoz we do enjoy seing a smile on other people's faces..we like to spread happiness among people we cross... and for our surprise, happiness touched us too...the ultimate happiness...Aint we lucky?!

For this! be optimistic..

why my heart is beating that fast...is it sthg that i shall regret in few minutes?! is it wrong to express myself,, and not be afraid of the consequences...now after that the few minutes did actually passed, i learned a new lesson,,,it s good to express what is in ur heart, but dont do it often, it may be leading to a totally opposite path, a totally opposite reaction, coz in every 2, there is one slightly above the other in the balance no matter how balanced they seemed, so i better give myself the chance to be above from time to time,,, its ok to do compromises especially when the other parts deserve it...but sanity and fairness are good...

Life is really strange.. we get finally rewarded in a way or another for being good and nice all our lives.. People! dont envy anyone..Dont regret any mistake..learn from each experience ..live ...love...like if it is ur last day on earth.

u have only one life, so what about start living it?

u have only one heart, so what about taking care of it?

u have only one brain, so what about using it?

u have 2 arms , so what about hugging the world?

u have 2 eyes, so what about watching on ur all beloved?

u have one soul, so why not offering it ?

 

Sometimes, u have to let out ur feelings, express urself loud, let out ur tears, being shy of expressing will make u the only big loser..u will lose the chance to provide happiness to people who deserve it..

They might not deserve it, but giving generously will feed the soul and satisfy the spirit and fill the heart with joy..

 

It is becoz i refused to stay in the old matrix that i chose to live a new one, but after all its a matrix not much different of any other... it is just the hope of that the new dream i decided to go through is better than the others, more worthy ... time will reveal it after all...

it is weird how life drags us in so many different  paths that we would had never though that we would cross...

My faith is in God.. i hope everythg goes well and the happiness finally is standing at my door..

carry on... carry on... the sun will always shine...or wont it?

In the middle of what is supposed to be Happiness, I am extremely sad.

I am easily satisfied usually, but not this time, coz there is not a single effort from anyone to make me happy.

That is the bottomline of my misery that started 9 days ago. My greatest fear is that it will count to 1.000 days like the previous misery.

 

what can i conclude? Nothing will be good enough or it s just it is not meant to be for some people to experience the greatness of Happiness.

How I long to be happy...I will be the warrior, turning into the strong person who will fight to the blood for what i want. I will nagg for what is bothering me , i will shout so that my voice is heard, i will bother and be naughty. I wont keep anythg in my heart. It is sooo difficult, and i see it impossible to achieve but....no more compromises, no more being nice..being nice is my hell , no one deserves my kindness, people ask for tough strong person even rude ones, no one wants a carryin loving person, I am on the top and i will keep it up. Breaking for someone or sthg isnt the smartest thing to do, and may God be my guide.

smiles..

i just watched a movie that touched me deeply..It s about a  boy who had a painfull childhood..he didnt know how to smile.. it made me understand that smiles are the reflection of the soul happiness..it s not difficult to find our happiness coz simply it s in our heart..no need to search for the ultimate happiness elsewhere....

 

BUt... why are we so blind to see, so dead to feel........

 

Does our naive unperfection deserve our sadness..our lack of satifaction..is it ok to decide to live in the darkness of depression and misery just becoz things arent the way we dreamt it would be...does it all deserve to forbide ourselves to see the light and let it shine on us? does it deserve our tears..what are we trying to prove? that we r so weak..unperfect..low self esteemed and much complicated? are we really complicated.. or we just believe that coz people said it...are we what people say we are? who are they to define what we are? only us know what we r ..just search deep inside and we ll find ..no need to follow and get impressed and affected with what we got diagnostic and evaluated..

 

It is not ok to pretend what we are not. I am sensitive..that is ok for us i can accept it, I am whatever I am with all my ups and downs, my mood swings, my serenity and madness..I am to improve , to evoluate..being open to any changes, any different attitudes for ur own evolution is great as long as ur convinced of it...

 

BE WHATEVER U WANT TO BE, BUT BE SOMETHING..it s not acceptable to come to this life and die without marking a change in the mankind..

I can see the first leafs falling  It's all yellow and nice  It's so very cold outside  Like the way I'm feeling inside 

I'm a big big girl In a big big world  It's not a big big thing if u leave me  But I do do feel that I do do will miss u much, miss u much

Outside it's no raining And tears are falling from my eyes Why did it have to happen Why did it all have to end

I have your arms around me Warm like fire But when I open my eyes...... Your gone

Great Great song for Emilia...im hearing it now..

The fall has came with the rain and wind and storms clearing all the sadness of the war , all the dust and odors...it should clear too the dust kept in our hearts from the summer breeze,,it might be only a breeze but it leave the same destruction..,we wouldnt want the winter and its cold cold days and nights come along with a dust covering our hearts and eyes and the odor the sweet scent still stuck in our noses and kept on our clothes...everythg should be clean and white as the white snow that i long to see this winter in my village..after all there shouldnt be great sorrows, it shouldnt ,, it s just another winter in the book of our lifes...

Yesterday i dreamt a weird dream..i was doing my prayer and at the middle of it i falled asleep..I dreamt i was driving in my car in a lovely compound, where the houses are like small castles of the 16th century..i was following my sister and friends which they were taking another car.. i arrived there i was enjoying the views and the people..lots of life and all of sudden i stopped caring for my friends and i was busy being with a very adorable dolphin. He was so cute, smart and got attached to me...but he needed help he was out the water..i took him in my arms he was so soft and cuddable i started to put water from bottles on him from the truck of my car and i was rushing to take him to the sea..in the car i was so scared he dies i was so worried on him i surrounded him with a wet towel and kept on puting water while driving and finally he closed his eyes.. i felt sooo sad , my brother appears in the car next to me and kept on helpin me in keepin him wet..but it was a very hot day and he got dihydrated..i was drivin like crazy and finnally we got to the beach, i put him in  the water, the people on the beach told me to let him go coz he died. he was floating on the water like a dead fish. I was crying so hard and sayin to myself he cannot be dead he is all i got , like if he was with me from a long time, my best friend a smart friend that really understands me and loves me..and now i killed him with my selfishness..i couldnt let him go, i didnt realise that until i realised i m killing him and when i saw the mistake i rushed to put him in the water..all of the sudden he started to swim and went alive againnn i got so happy that i didnt kill him i was able to safe him.. but a guy from the beach catches him when he was tryin to communicate with me and tell me sthg and took him back to the sand and torture him i fighted and took him back to the sea and yelled at him to go as far as he can in the sea and never turn back,, my heart was aching but i kept myself strong and persisting..he swimmed away ... i woke up in tears

fact: u have only urself to care about urself, ur future, ur career, ur troubles, ur worries, ur miseries, ur thoughts, ur moments, ever single little detail.

Too much must be done, too little time to be able to achieve all.

We cannot seek for our happiness, it just come at ur door..U adjust with ur daily troubles and obstacles, hoping

that u wont be busy or blinded with small details and miss the real thing.And if the real thing is missed, it will be

too bad, u only prove that ur really an unlucky creature who came on this earth to solide to people the fact of some

people are born to struggle in vain.

Here it goes like this...u can never get the utlimate happiness, u can grab for moments of joy, but they are only moments.. why? easy... For every moment u enjoy, u receive a bad event. This is hundred percent valid. what should we do?? grab on to the happy moments, enjoy them to the max coz the next day everythg might fade away.. If only things dont have to fade away..

IF PEOPLE APPLY THOSE IN THEIR DAILY LIFE, THIS EARTH WOULD HAD BEEN A PARADISE WITH ANGELS.

 

1. Right view is the true undersanding of the four noble truths.

2. Right aspiration is the true desire to free onself from attachment, ignorance, and hatefulness. These 2 are referred to as WISDOM.

3.Right speech involves abstaining from lying, gossiping or hurtful talk.

4.Right action involves astaining from hurtful behaviors such as stealing, killing and careless sex

5. Right livelihood means making your living in such a way as to avoid dishonesty and hurting others, including animals.

6. Right effort; bad qualities shoould be abandoned and prevented from arising again; Good qualities ashould be enacted and nurtured.

7. Right mindfulness is the focusing of one;s attention on one's body, feelings, thoughts and consciouness.

8. Right concetration is meditating in such a way as to progressively realize a true understanding of imperfection, impermanence and non-separateness.

 

life would be so wonderfull and satifying if we do those right stuff little by little day by day but some people will say what a waste of life and time, some will appreciate it... I dont care... It is a great way to live....

Hold on to what is good

even if it's handfull of earth

 

Hold on to what u believe

even if it s a tree that stands by itself

 

Hold on to what u must do,

even if its a long way from here

 

Hold on to ur life,

even if it s easier to let go

 

Hold on to my hand,

even if ive gone away from u

 

                                                     an idian Pueblo prayer

 

 

How some people have the guts to ask us to hold on to them, btw brackets we are holding on to them without they realise it, but when they do ask about it while saying that they dont belong to anythg, no ethics no religion no morals no nothing,,, it is so hard to tell them in this case that we do hold on to them, that we forgive the errors they made and that we will always cherish them. It is hard to say any of those when those people dont show anythg but careless and selfishness. if only we can change them...to plant a heart in them...

You wake up in the morning hoping u will have a good day,I mean in good hoping that finally Good things will happen to u. U try to keep an optimistic feeling in ur heart, get up from bed, remember the dream u had last night, prepare to work, drive there while listenning to music, work hard, have some fun with coworkers, lunch, work, break, work, drive back and finnally u sit on ur chair thinkin of what u achieved so far while the smile u draw on ur face at the morning got tired...

.nhtg much...

something is missing...

if life was just that routine it would be a slight nightmare, but what is the real nightmare how u have to struggle every moment, fight for ur beliefs, crash ur feelings and trying so hard to adapt in this way of life u didnt want from the first place, well no !! Not adapting,,, we dont wanna be trapped in this matrix, we want more, i want more , i m searching but where is it?? how can u handle this hell??? for how long we ll stay unable to express what we want, what we need.....????

It is kinda of silly how we fight, struggle and suffer on this Earth for like a century, unsatisfied with what we have, unable to discover the real meaning of life. if there is more in life than this, what is it? what is the big secret? why do we have to be here. why dont we just go there. why to wait, why to get ill and to suffer, to feel lonely and to wheep. If what is after is the Great Joy, great Joy cannot accepts sadness neither now neither after. how can we identify what is fair for us and what is not, what if what we consider unfair is for our best. and what theyve been  laughin on for what we ve done is for our interest. My thoughts are getting twisted, even more now, i believe everything happens for some reason, i would like to believe for a good reason. Every experience, every accident or incidence are for my interests, i m trying to twist the sentence in order to find the answer, to get convinced in what i said, it s the destiny our destiny that we draw with our own hands and with our own will